Do Try Not to Get Cancer

My mood and physical condition change from hour to hour. It seems ludicrous to try to give an update, but there are a number of you still following this saga and I couldn't handle it if my phone began to ring because I haven't blogged.

Sometimes I am strong and hopeful and proud of getting through the past five months.

Then I start to think about how the past five months have taken their toll on my mind and body and . . .

Often I'm convinced I will never be the same person I was before: Never feel as good, never like my body again, never laugh or find enthusiasm, never be able to eat food without experiencing pain, never feel the tips of my fingers or toes, never be of any use at all because I have no energy and care about so little.

Just when I want to give up, I am given a "good" day. No rhyme or reason, just count my blessings and think about how fortunate I am. I then remember how very, very awful I felt when I went through chemo last time and must admit this go-around has been much better overall.

Every Monday I have a blood draw, see my oncologist's PA, and go over side effects. Last Monday was the 15th time. Sometimes I put on a brave act; other times I can't muster the courage to act. A big lump sits in my throat and I tell her how exhausted I am, how tired of taking pills, how all I seem to do is get through the day, how much I hope I come back (to being me) when this is over. She is very understanding and tells me it is all to be expected. Then I go to the chemo chair and feel guilty for being in my own little world when there are so many of us there, coping and wondering, all in the same cancer boat.

When I was diagnosed with recurring cancer in April, I told Greg I would prefer to go off and live alone until treatment was over. That feeling of wanting to hide remains.

It was especially hard when Greg felt he had to cancel his plans to take a two or three-week motorcycle trip to the West Coast this summer. He'd been planning it all winter. It was hard again when he took three weeks off work and I was too unpredictable to go anywhere or do anything during his vacation. He denies that I am a burden, a bitch, or a bummer of a partner -- but that doesn't make me feel any better about how my health has affected his life.

I pretty much avoid going out, except for the cancer program at the Y every Tuesday and Thursday morning and my group therapy Wednesday noon. I am uncomfortable out in the world. Everything overwhelms me. Please refrain from suggesting I'm depressed and may need to up my meds. I have already done that.

This is what I look like:

Many of you have shown interest in juicing/blending to improve health and energy. Aside from my son Jake showing marked improvement in his overall attitude and appearance, I was motivated by two documentaries I watched on streaming Netflix ("Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" and "Forks Over Knives").

My biggest motivation, though, is knowing that if I eat anything solid, I will most likely subject myself to several hours of pain, beginning with heartburn and continuing with bloating. I have lost faith in any and all remedies that have been lovingly suggested. I worry that I will never be able to eat again, and although I realize I am repeating myself here, it's a very upsetting concern. If you think about how much emphasis we place on food, you'll begin to understand my fear.

Juicing necessarily means you buy A LOT of fruits and vegetables. I made the mistake of following a green smoothie recipe last week that called for a "bunch" of fresh parsley. I choked it down and still can't get the taste out of my memory. Now I am careful to balance sweet things like apples and peaches and cantaloupe and carrots with green things. And Jake was right when he said I would never be able to use all the pulp left behind by juicing. I have a hard time throwing it out, so even though I've baked well over 40 muffins a week, our freezer is full of both muffins and bags of pulp that I will eventually have to throw out -- especially now that I can't even eat the muffins without fear of heartburn and bloating.

Have a wonderful day, and do try not to get cancer.